Life, As I Knew It
by McBreezy
Summary: Juliet's journal, detailing her life in her own voice, from the first day she set foot on the island. "I'd be glad to be a mother-like figure to Alex, but I refuse to be Ben's rent-a-wife."
1. Chapter 1

September 22, 2001

I'm not exactly sure what to write in here. I've never been much of a journal keeper, unless we're talking about medical diaries or research. It's a lovely place, this island. Beautiful. I'm not much for travel, so I've never seen anything quite like it. this will be a good experience. I hope so, at least. It's not going to be easy, but hopefully I can figure out what's causing problems for all these women. I've never heard of anything like this, but I'll certainly do what I can. In all honesty, I'm not sure why they chose me. There has to be someone out there who's better qualified, so I hope I don't let these people down. They all seem to be counting on me so much. I'm not used to being the center of attention, and I don't like it much. I'd really rather just stick to my research and not be continually stared at like I'm some kind of hero or miracle worker. My research worked on Rachel, but that was at least half luck/fate/whatever you want to attribute it to. Trial and error. Lots of error. Too _much_ error. Hopefully that won't be the case here.

I met Ben Linus when I got off of the sub. He seems very smart, very…intense. But kind. Everyone here seems nice so far. They've been very welcoming, at least. Well, I'm turning in for the night. It'll be straight to work in the morning. Good night.

J. Burke

September 29, 2001

I think Ben has a crush on me. He gave me a house. An entire _house_, equipped with a washer/dryer, 2 bedrooms, 2 baths, and all my favorite opera CDs. And he gave me flowers. I'm really no expert on these things (really, I'm the last person to know anything about how love and matters of the heart work), but the way he keeps looking at me…I suppose it's kind of flattering, but it makes me a little uncomfortable. He's a colleague, he's like my boss, and well…look how things turned out with Edmund. No need to go _that_ route again. I may not be very good at love, but at least I know that I shouldn't go making the same mistake twice.

I have a therapist. Harper. I really don't think she likes me at all, but I don't think I care for her much, either. For a therapist, she's very judgmental.

Research is…a bit stagnant, actually. I can't seem to pinpoint the origin or cause of these problems. As far as I can tell, nothing like this has ever happened before. Anywhere. In the _world_. How am I supposed to be the one to solve this? I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. None.

J. Burke

October 11, 2001

There was a party last night (I use the term "party" loosely, mind you). Ben felt we all needed to have a little fun, take a break from all the work and all the research. I couldn't really get my mind off it, though. Henrietta isn't feeling well, and I'm afraid her symptoms will get worse if I don't figure something out right now.

Ben asked me to accompany him to the party, "just as friends", which I agreed to. He was a perfect gentleman, except that the one time I slow-danced with him, I swear, his lower body tensed up…awkward. I told him I was tired a few songs later and went to bed. He looked slightly put off, but maybe he'll get over it. After all, it wasn't a date. And I _certainly_ didn't ask him to get a hard-on from just dancing with me. We weren't even that close! I like Ben, but he isn't my type. Ah well, it's a crush. It'll fade out.

Anyway, I've had a few more sessions with Harper. She hates me. You should see the looks she gives me. It's like she thinks I'm here to take over the island or something. What did I ever do to her? I guess not _everyone_ here is friendly, after all.

I wish I'd been able to enjoy myself a little bit more last night. Richard asked me to dance a while; that was much more enjoyable (and much less awkward) than dancing with Ben. He's kind of cute, Richard, with those crazy-luscious eyelashes…

J. Burke

October 16, 2001

Henrietta died. She just…_died_. And I don't know why. I couldn't help her, I couldn't do anything. Her body just started attacking itself, and she…

I spent an hour crying, and then I met Goodwin. He had some kind of chemical burn and I treated it for him, even though he lied and tried to convince me it was just an accident, a result of touching a transformer. Also, he's Harper's husband. I don't know why; he seems like the exact opposite of her in every way. But, opposites attract, I guess. He was kind to me, and not just because he had to be or because he wanted something from me. I'm not claiming to be the best judge of character (just look at who I married), but Goodwin was sweet. Probably the most genuine person I've met so far (apart from his lie, anyway). How the hell did he end up with Harper? I kind of put my foot in my mouth and called her a "mean and spiteful person" before he told me she was his wife. Thing is, he didn't seem that bothered by it.

Why am I going on and on about a married man when I should be doing research? Damn it, Juliet. Get it together. Maybe a little Madame Butterfly will help me focus.

J. Burke

November 4, 2001

So, Goodwin is on my medical team. He's probably my closest friend in this place, along with Amelia, who's such a sweetheart. She's Ethan's mother, and she enjoys reading as much as I do. We're thinking of starting a book club. Ben heard, and thinks we should start with "Of Mice and Men", but Amelia and I would rather read Jane Austen. I have a feeling he'll give in. It pays to be in Ben's good graces…even if I don't appreciate the attention 99.9% of the time. Ethan's on my medical team, too, by the way. He strikes me as a little bit…I don't really know the word. Something's off, there. I sensed it when he recruited me, but it's stronger now. Well, he's a good doctor, I'll try not to judge him before I've really gotten to know him. His mother's wonderful enough, he must be, too. Deep down. No, he's always been pleasant to me, but I still get that creepy vibe. Oh well, back to research.

J. Burke

November 12, 2001

I miss Rachel. Today's her birthday. It kills me a little bit inside that I can't be with her, or even call her, but I know she understands. I wish I did. About the pregnancy issues, that is. If I could just figure this out, I'd be able to go home that much sooner. Not that I don't like it here (aside from patient deaths), but there's no Rachel here. I'm so busy taking care of all these other pregnant women that I can't be with my own very pregnant sister. Does that make me a bad person? Rachel would say no, but I'm not so sure. I want to be there for her, but I still need to figure out what's causing these problems.

Sabine wants to volunteer herself for research. I've told her it's a bad idea at such an early stage, but she seems bound and determined. I'll see how long I can talk her out of it. I have a few theories, but nothing more, nothing concrete.

I wish I could talk to Rachel, if only for a few minutes. I've got so much to tell her…Ben's crush on me, my crush on Goodwin (_bad_ Karma, Juliet), Ethan's creepy vibe, the book club (we – well, I – convinced Ben to let us start with Sense and Sensibility)…I miss my sister. I miss the world. I feel so cut off from everything here, which I suppose is nice sometimes, but not as a permanent way of life. Not when I've got something so worth going home for.

J. Burke

November 22, 2001

Ben had some of us over for Thanksgiving dinner tonight. I have no idea where he got a turkey, but I've learned when not to ask questions. Amelia and Ethan were there, and Harper and Goodwin, Tom, Danny and Colleen, and a few others. Alex (Ben's daughter) is such a cutie. So smart, too, though she looks nothing like Ben. Again, I've learned when not to ask. She's called me her "adopt-a-mom", which is sweet yet scary at the same time, because I saw the look in Ben's eyes when she said it. I'd be glad to be a mother-like figure to Alex, but I refuse to be Ben's rent-a-wife.

I may have been imagining it (I probably was), but I could have sworn that Goodwin was flirting with me tonight. Not in Harper's presence, of course, but he did seem to be paying more attention to me than to her most of the night. This is dangerous ground, I know. He's married to my therapist. Talk about a soap opera waiting to happen. "As the Island Floats"? Lame. It's not like I'm actually thinking of pursuing Goodwin. He's just so sweet, and not too hard on the eyes. Look, but don't touch, Juliet. As if he'd want me to. Honestly. I really need to focus. Where's my La Boheme CD?

J. Burke

December 7, 2001

He kissed me.

I'm not saying who…but it was amazing.

Unfortunately, it can never happen again. Ever.

_Tomorrow, on "As the Island Floats"…_

What have I gotten myself into?

J. Burke

December 9, 2001

I feel like such a whore.

I haven't done anything. Not really. But the guilt…_sucks_. I know I shouldn't be thinking about this, but he told me how unhappy he is, and that looking at me makes him happy again, and he apologized for the kiss but took it back. He doesn't regret it, and neither do I, because I want to do it over and over again, but I can't. hands (and lips) _off_, Juliet.

I really sound like such a _girl_.

My work is more important than this ridiculous infatuation. I'm throwing myself into it. Starting _now_. Sabine is pregnant. I've got to find some kind of solution before it's too late. If I'm right, her symptoms will start within the next two months. That should give me enough time to come up with something. I hope.

J. Burke


	2. Chapter 2

December 24, 2001

I've been neglecting you. I apologize. But I've been working almost around the clock trying to come up with a way to help Sabine. She's not showing symptoms yet, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time. If I could just pinpoint when this starts, maybe I'd be able to understand why it happens and how to stop it. I've been having someone monitor Sabine carefully at all times, but nothing stands out. Everything seems fine, until…it isn't.

See? I've been good. Throwing myself into my work has done the trick. Goodwin and I haven't even seen each other, except in the presence of the other doctors. I'm in total control of the situation. It's just…he keeps _looking_ at me. Like he sees right through me, like he knows how hard I'm trying to stay away from him. I must make it so obvious to him. It's kind of pathetic, but yet, his eyes don't seem to look at me that way. They're…softer? Understanding. It's not pity in his eyes, but I sense the guilt. Like he doesn't want to be looking at me, which is understandable, considering who his wife is. She'd probably chop off his testicles and use them as earrings if she even _suspected_ he was with another woman. God forbid I ever be the cause of _that_.

**Bad karma****. **Stop it, Burke.

Anyway, Ben's having a Christmas party tonight, and I promised Alex I'd go. Darn that kid and her ability to make me do things I know I don't want to do because she's just going to try and set me up with her father. She's already tried convincing me that we'd be the "best family ever", but I explained to her that I just don't have those kinds of feelings for Ben, though I'm happy to spend time with her whenever she likes. "You just don't know him well enough yet", she said. We'll see, I told her. Teenagers. Poor girl, though, never knowing her mother. I suppose it's why she's so attached to me. It's only natural, and aside from the expectation that I start something with Ben, I don't mind it at all. I really doubt Ben will ever make a move on me, anyway. He seems very…_inhibited_ in that sense. If it weren't for Alex as proof that he's had sex, I'd venture to guess he was still a virgin.

Juliet, you're a horrible person. That was mean.

But funny. Oh so funny.

Good lord, I should burn this.

J. Burke

December 26, 2001

Ben gave me a first edition copy of Utopia.

I love it, but how in the hell did he manage to get his hands on _that?_ It's beyond rare. Also, I have to appreciate the irony. A book about an island where everything is (seemingly) perfect? Yes, Ben. I get the subtext. Too bad such a place is realistically impossible. Anyway, I had to hold back a bit in expressing how much I actually loved the book, or he'd have taken it in the wrong context. It was a very generous and thoughtful gift, but I think he expected me to _thank_ him…if you know what I mean. Now I feel bad that all I got him was a card and a batch of my chocolate chip cookies. Oh well, it's the thought. Unfortunately, there wasn't a whole lot of thought behind those cookies. But they sure were tasty.

I've really got to learn to be nicer.

Goodwin was at the party. I tried to avoid him, and was pretty successful, but he followed me out when I left. He apologized for the stalker-like approach, but he just wanted to give me my present. It was the pen I'm writing this with. Top of the line ball-point with my name engraved in it. he told me he noticed how much I was writing, and he thought my thoughts should have the right pen to express themselves. Incredibly sappy, but so sweet. You'll be proud – I only kissed him on the cheek, then rushed home before I slipped. I didn't get him anything but a card (which was also addressed to Harper). Well what else do you give a married man, anyway, without coming off as a total tramp? Exactly.

I can't really see why he's taken such an interest in me. I mean, yeah, Harper's mean, and kind of scary, but he married her, right? Maybe Goodwin's another Edmund in disguise. I hope he's not, but it wouldn't surprise me. Does it matter if he is, though? I suppose not.

J. Burke

January 1, 2002

Rang in the new year last night…my head is still spinning. Much too much champagne for my own good, but for the first time, I actually had some semblance of _fun_ on this island. I've decided that I'm over Goodwin. Over him and on to _available_ men…namely, Richard Alpert. I don't remember everything about last night, but the good parts are still there. We kinda made out. Richard and I, that is. He's yummy.

I don't think either of us thought about kissing before we did it. It was just a lovely, spur-of-the-moment, happy-new-year kiss…that turned into a lovely, spur-of-the-moment, happy-new-year make-out session. I'm pretty sure quite a few people saw us, but I think they were all too drunk to care, because no one's said anything about it. That, and most of them were busy making out, too. God, I feel so high school. It's wonderful.

I'm not actually diluted enough to think this thing with Richard is going anywhere, but it sure was nice. It's not that I have feelings for him; honestly, I haven't even thought about it, seeing as we've only actually interacted with each other about four times, one of which, I had his tongue down my throat. Mm. Mostly, I think it's just that it's been such a long damn time since a man kissed me like that. Goodwin's a great kisser, but it was entirely too short and chaste…what am I saying? It never should have happened, so I suppose it wasn't actually chaste _enough_, but you know what I mean. Anyway, it felt _really_ good, but I'm pretty sure it was just a one-time, drunken deal. I don't mind that. We'll see.

Oh my god, speak of the…he's HERE. At my door. Give me a minute. Or twenty.

J. Burke


End file.
